Random Humor
This random humor page is dedicated to those
things that I find humorous.
By Dingy Davits, humorist  
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South Texas Sailing
Feb. 14, 2010   All Points Bulletin: Be on the
lookout for this tree.
 Considered branched and
dangerous. Clearly the root of all evil. Do not try to
apprehend. May attack if provoked with chainsaw
Apr 1, 2010 Man Over Board Drill A
procedure unique to South Texas normally
held in mid to late August in which all
members of the crew and captain jump into
the water to cool off because there is no
breeze. This drill often gets more active
when it is discovered no one let down the
swim ladder in their haste to get out of the
stifling heat.
Real Meaning: A drill in which
the crew of a boat practice pulling up to
someone in the water.

Mar 31, 2010 Have You Graded My Stuff
Yet?
It's always the student that turned in
his work three weeks late that is upset if it
wasn't graded and recorded by the end of
the day.

Mar 30, 2010 Shopping Carts Not
Allowed
I went to my neighborhood Office
Depot tonight to buy some ink cartridges.
The cartridges are kept in an enclosed area
behind a checkout register. As I entered the
enclosed area I noticed a sign that said, "No
shopping carts allowed beyond this point." I
asked the clerk, "What do people do with
shopping carts that they shouldn't do?" The
clerk said, "People put things in the
shopping carts."
I thought that was what
the shopping carts are for.

Mar 29, 2010 "Will there be a curve on
this test?"
asks a student in my Advanced
Placement Computer Science class. Let’s
see. The multiple choice portion of the test
was take home, given out 5 days ago. The
students may use their Books of Knowledge
(unlimited notes) on the free response
question to be done in class. They may use
their answered chapter question sheets on
the free response question. I told them last
week the free response question would be a
previous years’ AP Exam question which
they could have looked up on the College
Board website. I gave them the College
Board scoring guidelines for the problem
which may be used as an outline for
essential steps to solve the problem. And
the student asks, "Will there be a curve on
this test?"
High school kids have a great
sense of humor!

Mar 28, 2010 Where an Art Student
Goes after High School  “College”

Collage (an artistic collection of images or
pictures made by pasting them over a
surface) is commonly misused in free
classified ad sites for the word college,
which means a post high school level school.
"defensive driving classes 6 days a week
/free weekend pizza-$25.00 512-919-xxxx
1102
collage st. austin craigslist 2010-03-23
"If you are a
collage student and need help
in..." houston craigslist 2010-03-07

Mar 27, 2010 Something Not To Do With
a Door
I was at a UIL meet on Friday
evening. I saw a sign that intrigued me. It
said, "Do not hit students or teachers with
door."

Mar 26, 2010 NOAH and the Ark  A
Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do
you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he
was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How
could he, with just two worms.' - an email
joke sent to me.

Mar 25, 2010 I Prefer to Strip in the
Front Yard
.  Yep, when I get home from the
school, I strip in the front yard; right there
beside the driveway. Before you get the
wrong idea about me, let me explain. I have
a project boat beside the driveway. My
daughter and I are in the process of
stripping off the old paint, so we can refinish
the boat.

Mar 24, 2010 What is the right age? – My
high school students were talking today.
One of them said, “If I grow a beard, it will
make me look older.” Now, the folks my age,
54, don’t want to look older. If anything, they
want to look younger. So my question is, if
the youngsters want to look older and the
oldsters want to look younger,
what is the
age in the middle everyone wants to be?

Mar 23, 2010 Best Reason Heard for
Cancelling a Sailboat Race
– “Everybody
decided the difference between air
temperature and wind velocity was
insufficient for actually getting out on the
water,…” - Jennifer Loehlin, Texas
Centerboard Circuit, March 20, 2010.

Mar 22, 2010 Why So Cold? My daughter
and I volunteered to help at Lake Canyon
Yacht Club this weekend for the Texas
Sailing Association Youth Regatta. It was
SO
UNBELIEVABLY COLD
out on the water, yet
there were 50 youth boats racing. I had on
ski gloves, undershirt, long sleeve shirt, wool
sweater, double thick hoodie, long johns
under my blue jeans, and wool cap,
AND I
WAS STILL COLD
. Yet, the kids zipped
around, capsized and righted like it's a
natural event.  See the Canyon Lake Area
page for photos.

Mar 21, 2010  The Power of a Badge  A
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and
talks with the rancher/owner.  He tells the
rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs."  The rancher says,
"Okay, but do not go in that field over there,"
as he points out the location. The DEA
officer explodes saying," Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with
me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket,
he removes his badge and proudly displays
it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This
badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish..... On any land.  No questions asked or
answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  
Do you understand?"  The rancher nods
politely, apologizes, and goes about his
chores. A short time later, the old rancher
hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by the
rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With
every step the bull is gaining ground on the
officer, and it seems likely that he'll get
gored before he reaches safety.  The officer
is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down
his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the
top of his lungs....."Your badge, Show him
your  %^&*()# BADGE!" - An email joke sent
to me from a friend.

Mar 20, 2010 Examples of Why English is
So Hard for Foreigners to Learn
: “It’s
raining cats and dogs.” and “I’ve been sitting
as long as I can stand.”

Mar 19, 2010 “Somali pirates attempt
attack on Dutch warship”
, Associated
Press, April 17, 2010.

Mar 18, 2010 “I Can Tack in My Sleep”.
This spring break I’ve been taking my
daughter and her friends hither and thither.
I've had a number of late nights and earlier
mornings. Yesterday morning, was no
exception. The alarm was set for 7 AM.
When it went off, I must have been dreaming
of sailing because I remember thinking,
“Time to Tack”. So I whacked the snooze
button and rolled over on my side. Each time
the alarm went off, I’d think, “Time to Tack”,
hit the snooze button, and rollover.

Mar 17, 2010 Sail Boats have Right-of-
Way over Power Boats, but this is how it
really works
… If there is no issue of
possible collision, the power boat usually
passes fast and close to the sailboat
causing the sailboat rock and roll across the
speed boat’s wake. It’s only when the two
boats are in close quarters does the power
boat actually slow near the sailboat. This
most often occurs when a sailboat is sailing
close to a shore on the port, the power boat
slows on the starboard, and the sailboat
needs to tack to the starboard to avoid
running aground.

Mar 16, 2010 Boating Definition: “Lake
Lice”
is a derogatory name given to jet skis,
SeaDoos, and other motorized personal
watercraft. See
PWC Repellent for effective
solution.

Mar 15, 2010 Circus Time Boating
Definition: A "boat ramp"  is a venue at
which people who might otherwise act in
logical and intelligent ways do the most
absurd things in order to put a boat into the
water or take one out of the water.

Mar 14, 2010
Every boat should have a couple of
wenches.
 Boating Definition:  “Winch”
Wench (A young woman or girl) is commonly
misused in free classified ad sites for the
word winch which means “a powerful
machine with one or more drums on which to
coil a rope, cable, or chain for hauling or
hoisting.” Appropriate use: “The yachtsman
had two pretty young wenches to tighten his
winches.”
“1979 Catalina Sailboat, 22 foot, comes with
Boom cover for Main and
wench covers…”
(austin craigslist ad Date: 2010-03-01)
“Also, I have a new
wench strap.”
(houston craigslist ad Date:  2010-03-12)
“I have tittle in hand. And the
wench for the
front of trailer is not their needs a new one.”
(houston craigslist ad Date: 2010-02-11)

Mar 13, 2010 Beginning of school year
verses end of the school year.
At the
beginning of the school year, teachers are
told to set the bar of expectations high so
the students will have high achievement. At
the end of the school year, when some
students have not met the level of
expectation, teachers are grilled about what
modifications and accommodations
the
teachers have made
to ensure student
success.

Mar 12, 2010 YOU COUNTED ME ABSENT
YESTERDAY!
It is always amuses me when
a student comes to me and says,
"YOU
COUNTED ME ABSENT YESTERDAY!".  
Yesterday, of course being a day I was out of
the classroom.  If the student had been
there, he would have known I wasn't there.

Mar 11, 2010 Dingy Davits - If they're
dirty, they should be cleaned
Boating Definition: "Dingy"
Dingy (dirty,
discolored, or grimy) is commonly misused in
free classified ad sites for the word dinghy,
which means a small boat.
“Motorized
Dingy Included with purchase!”
austin craigslist ad Date: 2010-03-10
“Just bought a bigger outboard for my
dingy
and don't need this one.”  houston craigslist
ad Date: 2010-03-07

Mar 10, 2010 Favorite Boat Names:
This Side Up              Breaking Wind
Nauti Girl                   Over Early
Costaplenty               Too Much Fun
Toad Hall                   Towed Inn

Mar 9, 2010  Boating Definition: "BOAT"
An acronym for
Bail Out Another Thou$and.
Also, known as a hole in the water into which
you throw money.

Mar 8, 2010 A Thought:  How much deeper
would the oceans be if they didn't have
sponges in them?

Mar 7, 2010 Boating Definition: "Raft
Up"
A social event in which members of a
sailing or boating club anchor two or more
boats in the lake side by side, drink beer,
and shoot the breeze. Note this is different
from when these same members return to
the clubhouse to drink beer and shoot the
breeze. Sometimes a special event will be
held at the
party cove in which members of
a sailing or boating club will anchor two or
more boats in the lake side by side, drink
beer, and shoot the breeze.
Real Meaning: A social event in which
members of a sailing or boating club anchor
two or more boats in the lake side by side,
drink beer, and shoot the breeze

Mar 6, 2010 Interesting Phone Call
My friend, David, died a  week and a half
ago. For many years, he taught sailing in
central Texas. His widow received a call last
week asking about sailing lessons. She told
the caller, "David died last week."  The caller
then asked, "Does that mean he won't be
teaching any more lessons?"

Mar 5, 2010 Sailing Definition: "Rhumb
Line"
The line the crew forms for liquid
refreshment. In the English Navy , it was
customary to issue a daily ration of rum to
the enlisted men from 1655 until July 31,
1970.
Real meaning: Racing term, meaning the
most direct line from the start line to the first
mark of a sailing race.

Mar 4, 2010 Sailing Definition "Jibe",
also spelled "Gybe"
What you do to
remove someone from the boat who
criticizes your sailing ability
.
Real meaning: Turning the boat's stern
through the wind. This maneuver will cause
the boom to swing from one side of the boat
to the other. If done quickly or in a strong
wind, the boom moves very fast with enough
force to knock someone overboard.

Mar 3, 2010 Exit Level TAKS
Administering the TAKS  to 11th grade
students from 8:50 AM until 3:05 PM is a
relaxing way to enjoy hours of silent
meditation.

Mar 2, 2010 Alzheimer's study on mice
promising
An Express News article reports
"Rapamycin, which drew attention last
summer for extending the lives of mice, now
is showing promise in treating mice with the
mouse equivalent of Alzheimer's."  
Just
what I need in my kitchen, long lived mice
who know exactly what they are doing.

Mar 1, 2010 Every Student Needs an Arc-
angle
My students were working on math problems
dealing with arcs and circumference today.
Some were a little confused and wanted
help. I told them they needed to buddy up...
find an angel to help them...find an arc-
angel.

February 2010 Random Humor page link

Copyright 2010 Randle B. Moore
All rights reserved
The Dinghy Song Ruth Wallis
Scotsman song, played weekly on Friday mornings
at 7:40 on 100.3 San Antonio