Random Humor
This random humor page is dedicated to those
things that I find humorous.
By Dingy Davits, humorist  
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South Texas Sailing
Nov. 28, 2011 It's Been An Hour and A
Half Since Students Left. I'm Working At
My Computer, and You Ask If I'm Busy?
I
had a Financial Advisor stop by my room at
5:30 pm today. He asked if I was busy. I was
polite to him, but if his powers of observation
are on par with his financial savvy, I'll pass
on his advice.

Nov. 23, 2011 It's Been a Good
Thanksgiving Break
Like most school
teachers I look forward to school breaks to
get a chance to get caught up with grading,
lesson planning, and other things I should
be able to take care during the work day but
don't have time for. This break has been no
exception. I'm very pleased with what I've
accomplished.
I am most pleased with the
procrastination I've done.
I'm doing some
of that now, instead of recording grades

Nov. 23, 2011 Imagine Being Paid To
Stay Away From Children
Yep, that's right.
The state of Texas sent me a letter last
week telling me how much per year they'd
pay me to stay away from children. They
have a special name for this offer; it's called
Texas Teacher Retirement.

Nov. 17, 2011 Why School Counselors
Don't Teach Math
 Let's call him George.
That's not his name, but it will do. He was
transferred to my class yesterday. The
school counselor said she'd like for me to
get him up to a 60 average so he'll be
eligible to enroll into Credit Retrieval.  Hmm,
let's see, George has a 39 for the first
grading period and a 9 for the second
grading period. In order to have a 60
average by the end of the third grading
period, he'll need to have a combined total
of 180 grade points. (180 divided by 3 = 60.)
To get his 60 average, all he has to do is to
get a grade of 132 (on a 100 point scale)
this grading period.
Does anyone else see
a problem here?

Nov. 16, 2011 Michael Got the Best Of
Mr. Davits
 Student use of cell phones in
the classroom during the instructional day is
not allowed. That seems kind of obvious,
however, some students are determined that
doesn't apply to them. A couple of days ago,
I had just busted a female student who was
texting on her phone while holding it in her
lap under the desktop. Out of the corner of
my eye I noted Michale holding something at
his side opposite me staring intently at it. His
arm motion suggested he was punching
buttons. As I moved across the room, he
manuevered the object to be always just out
of my view. As I reached him, he slid it under
his leg. Assuming he was texting, I asked for
his phone. He handed me a school
calculator. That made me chuckle the rest of
the day.
I'm definitely allergic to Michael.

Nov. 14, 2011 The Lake Is Getting
Smaller
. Yea, I know the lake level is
dropping due to the draught, but that is not
what I'm talking about. When I bought my
first boat, a 14 foot Sunfish clone, I learned
to sail in the cove next to Comal Park. Then I
bought a 19 foot Starwind. That bought took
me out on the cove next to the Canyon Lake
Marina and occasionally on to the main body
of the lake. My next boat was a 19 foot
Flying Scot. This boat had speed and
stability. It could take me out farther faster,
yet the upper reaches of the lake still
seemed like the edge of the world. Recently
I bought a 26 foot weekend keel boat.
Yesterday, my daughter and I took friends
out. We sailed to the far end of the lake and
back as if it were a trip around the block.
Now the lake doesn't seem quite so big
anymore.

Nov. 13, 2011 The Emperor Had No
Clothes.
My daughter and I took my best
friend and a school friend of hers sailing,
today. We took out our 26 foot boat. With
the wind blowing consistently 15 mph, we
only needed our main to run down the lake
to Cranes Mill and back. On the way back to
LCYC, we passed a power boat drifting in
mid lake. 4 young men were seated in the
boat and one was snapping pictures as we
passed. It is generally a rare thing that a
power boater would take much interest in a
sailboat, especially since we were using only
one sail. As we passed by, our admirer rose
to snap photos of another boat passing on
his other side. It was then that my daughter's
friend notice the emperor had no clothes...
Yep, butt naked.

Nov. 9, 2011 Why Be Successful When
You Can Complain!  
A student told me
today he couldn't do his homework because
he didn't have graphing calculator. Well, I
don't have a $100 calculator to give him, but
I did offer to given him a solar calculator that
will give squares and square roots. "No,
that's too much work."
I think I'm allergic to
teenagers.

Nov. 7, 2011 You Have 20 Missing
Assignments. It's two Days Before The
End Of The Grading Period. You're
Failing And You Want Me To Do What?!
Mr. Davits, Can I turn in everything I should
have done over the last 6 weeks in the next
two days, you grade it, and I pass?
 I think
I'm allergic to teenagers.

Nov. 5, 2011 What've They Got That We
Don't Have?  
The wind on Saturday of the
Wurstfest Regatta got to be a bit strong,
blowing 18 to 23 mph with gusts to 28. An
accomplished Sunfish sailor, a lady of
maturity, capsized and was having a great
deal of trouble righting her boat. Chase boat
#2 went over to offer assistance. She kept
waving us off. We offered several times,
Another boat unrelated to the race
approached and offered assistance. This
time she accepted assistance. Gee, the first
offer was from 4 men of ages 80s, 60s, 50s,
and 40s. The second offer was from 4 buff
hot men in their 20s.
Go figure!

Sept. 8, 2011 Yep, $4 Should Do It! When
I went to the local CVS last night, a young
woman in her 30s approached me saying
she'd run out of gasoline and her car was
down the street at the Shell station. She
asked me for some $$ to put gas in it so she
could "putt putt her way home." She said
another man had given her $4. Often, I will
give people money for gas, but this is at a
gas station and they can identify which car is
theirs. The Shell station she was describing
is at least a mile down the street, so it
seemed odd to me that she would walk all
the way up to a CVS to panhandle. She
looked so shocked when I said, "Yep. $4
should do it." and I turned away.  
Do you
suppose she really wanted to fill up at the
Don & Ben's [liquor store] across the
street?

Sept. 19, 2011 You Can't Embarrass Me;
I'm A Dad.
My daughter and I stopped off at
the store on the way home to purchase
some feminine products. She wanted me to
carry them to the register because she gets
embarrassed easily. As we went through the
line, the checker asked me, "Are these
yours?" In a confident and bold voice I said,
"Yes, ma'm. They sure are!"

August 28, 2011 Bummer! Bummer! It's
Not Summer!
 My daughter thought this up
to express how she felt that we had to go
home to do homework instead of staying at
the lake to sail. It's a shame because there
was a nice breeze.

July 6,2011 Wow! What A Wonderful Way
To Commit Fraud. She Trusts Me
Though We've Never Met!
Dear friend,  

I am Mrs. Dorris Kalapa am the director of
operation of our Bank. I would like you to
indicate your interest to receive the transfer
of $6.850 Million. I will like you to stand as
the next of kin to my late client whose
account is presently dormant, please
contact me back with below data if you are
interested.
(1) Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) Occupation:
(5) Age and Sex:
Yours faithful,
Director of operations.
Mrs. Dorris Kalapa.
I wonder if she has ever heard of P.T.
Barnum
?

June 19, 2011 Flying Deer Causes
Power Outage
Deer dropped by eagle knocks out power in
Montana

By Laura Zuckerman Laura Zuckerman – Fri
Jun 17, 7:56 pm ET
SALMON, Idaho (Reuters) – A deer fawn
apparently dropped by a bald eagle onto a
high-voltage line was behind a power outage
this week in western Montana, a
Northwestern Energy official said on Friday.

"It's a first-time thing," Northwestern
spokeswoman Michelle Sullivan said. "A
deer dangling on the line, that's never
happened before."

Sullivan said linemen investigating the cause
of the outage in a rural neighborhood of
East Missoula couldn't believe their eyes
when they found the carcass of the fawn
draped over electric wires more than two
stories high.

Workers blamed the eagle after homeowner
Lee Bridges reported that one of the birds
had spent 15 minutes perched in a spruce in
her yard that morning just after the
neighborhood lost electricity.

When Northwestern crews arrived, Bridges
approached a repairman to learn what
caused the outage.

"He pointed up to the sky and said, 'There's
your problem -- a flying deer,'" said Bridges.



June 12, 2011 I Ache So Much, Even My
Aches Have Aches.
I entered the summer
series for Sunfish at LCYC this year. It has
been a number of years since I've sailed a
Sunfish. It really helps to be limber to sail a
Sunfish. It's a real shame I'm not limber.

June 9, 2011 Mr. Davits, I Am Calling
From the United States Federal
Government.
I suppose scammers now
assume we are so used to dealing with tech
support representatives with foreign accents
that we will blindly accept someone calling
us claiming to be representing the federal
government. I suppose the woman could
have been legit except that the noise of the
boiler room calling center was obvious, plus
she asked for me by my phone book listing.
The phone book listing has my nick name,
not my legal name.
Thank you phone
companies for making long distance so
affordable!

June 6, 2011 Who Would Have Imagined
That Would Be A Networking Place.
I did
my civic duty today; I went for jury duty.
Shortly after taking my seat in the central
jury room, I heard a lady behind me strike up
a conversation with the person next to her.
She mentioned she had worked for school
district I had once worked for so I turned
around to see if I knew her. Yep, she and I
had taught at the same school at the same
time. We carried on about old times,
common colleagues, and friends departed.
We spoke for several hours and had lunch
together. Finally, we talked out selves out
and each turned to other diversions, I to my
book and she to an Elvis impersonator.  By
the end of the day a number of phone
numbers had been exchanged. She had the
name and number for a Canyon Real Estate
Agent I know as well as the name and
number for the Elvis impersonator. I had
shared that my daughter and I teach sailing
lessons. I wonder who I will get a phone call
from seeking sailing lessons?

May 13, 2011 Gee, How that Get Into My
Backpack?
I very rarely go through the
school lunch line. Usually my wife packs my
lunch. Today, she had to leave very early
for work, with the comment, "You are on
your own for lunch."... So the school lunch it
is. The line was long and I was at the end,
near the cashier, where it had U-turned
back. I saw one of my students take a
canned drink from the cafeteria line and put
into his backpack. Hmm... how to handle
this? I waited for him to give his money to
the cashier and then I asked her if he had
given her enough to cover the drink in his
backpack.  Well, I assume you've got the
answer to
that question. His response was,
"Oh, I forgot."  
You know the problem with
PUBLIC schools are they let anybody in.

March 13, 2011 The Difference between
16 seconds and A Minute and 16  
Seconds
My daughter has gotten the sail
boat racing bug. Her coach suggested we
enter our boat in the spring series at our
club. She skippers and I crew (jib sheets and
spinnaker pole). We raced yesterday. How
did we do? Just call me Thomas Edison.
Only 997 more tries on the light bulb.
My
reference to the lead line above... We
were a little over early once.

March 11, 2011 A Tardy Penalty That
Really Gets Their Attention
The Executive
Board of a social organization I belong to
has a unique way of motivating its board
members to be on time to the executive
board meetings. It meets at a popular
restaurant at 6:00 pm. Happy hour at the
restaurant ends at 6:00 pm.
If board
members are late, they have to pay full
price for their happy drinks.

March 1, 2011  How Syllable Accents
Affect Meaning.
Have you ever noticed
how changing the syllable stress affects the
meaning of something? Everybody likes
home made ice cream, right?
Would you be
as enthusiastic about Hó made ice cream?

Feb. 25, 2011 Can I Make Corrections to
Get  Better Grade?  
Let's see, (1) You
may bring in as much handwritten notes as
you want to take the test, (2) Half of our
tests have been take home tests. (3) the
free response portion of the last test was
exactly what I gave you to study  and I told
you the day before the free response to
study what I had given you. Find me another
AP teacher that gives you these
opportunities, then let's talk.

Feb. 23, 2011 Why Take An Easy Class
And Get a 100, When You Can Take an
AP Course and get a 60.
The high school
where I teach, at times, seems obsessed
with class ranking.  Part of that is students
may attend the Texas state university of
their choice if they graduate in the top 10%
of their class. Grade point averages are
computed to the 4th decimal place. The 4th
decimal place is 1-ten thousandth of a grade
point. I have several students that  instead
of taking an easy regular level course, they
have elected to take the Advanced
Placement (AP) version and are failing.
Although they get bonus GPA points for
the AP class, I fail to see how a 68 (with
bonus points) is better than a 100
without bonus points.

Feb. 11, 2011 I've Put My Foot In My
Mouth So Many Times, I have Footprints
on My Teeth.

Feb. 4, 2011 Mr. Davits, You Said You
Didn't Think It Would Snow  
When asked,
I said I thought the probability of snow was
between 0 and 1, about 0.7. Some students
thought that meant a very low probability,
not realizing that the maximum for probability
is 1 (100%).

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Copyright 2010-2011 Randle B. Moore
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